13 Things You'Ve Always Wondered About Having Sex With A Bearded Man
It's literally been years since the "lumber sexual" (i.e. the Brawny man) look first took off. But the hipster facial hair trend isn't dying out anytime soon. Even Eminem has a beard now.
Just a couple of guys from Compton and one from Detroit. With a beard. #thedefiantones
A post shared by Marshall Mathers (@eminem) on Jun 23, 2017 at 12:53pm PDT
So when Scott, one of our favorite dude writers, decided to grow some facial fur, it made sense that he was curious about how this new look might affect his sex life. So he enlisted the help of a fellow lady writer, Danielle, to break down her thoughts on getting it on with a bearded guy. Naturally, she had some questions about what it's like to do it with a face full of fuzz.
We asked a food editor to taste test these edible sex toys, here's what happened:
Here, Danielle and Scott's candid convo on beards and sex.
1. Scott: Is there a perfect type of beard for women?
Danielle: This is kind of in line with the whole, "does size matter?" conundrum. Is there an ideal length and thickness to the perfect beard? Sure, we've all got our preferences—and they run the gamut. But really, the perfect beard is the one that the guy we really like has on his face. Cheesy, but true.
2. Danielle: Is it harder to give oral sex with a beard?
Scott: My approach and moves haven’t changed due to facial hair. However, I would have to change my moves if I had stubble, because that can be abrasive. (Once the stubble grows out, this is less of an issue.) I’d feel very bad if I was the guy who gave someone clitoris burn or something.
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3. Danielle: What does it feel like when someone touches it? Is it similar to having hands run through your hair?
Scott: It doesn’t really feel that much different than when someone touches my face when I’m stubbled or clean-shaven. It doesn’t hold a candle to having hands run through my hair. I’m pretty sure nothing aside from sexual activity feels better than having a woman wash your hair. I don’t know why this is. Maybe I’m some sort of deviant.
4. Scott: What’s it feel like when your bare skin rubs up against a beard?
Danielle: It depends on the beard. Like you said, if the guy takes care of it and it's super soft and well-conditioned, it's kind of like rubbing your face on a fur pillow. If not, it's like brushing your face with a dollar store broom—not that I've rubbed either of these items on my face before.
5. Danielle: What's the deal with kissing when you have one of those?
Scott: I’m definitely more self-conscious and aware of, like, my angling and positioning. I do worry that a woman will get a mouth full of mustache when we’re making out, so I try and make sure I’m staying right on the mouth.
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6. Scott: What is it like to have a guy with a beard kiss you versus a clean-shaven dude?
Danielle: Kissing clean shaven guys is easier in that you're not up against this added barrier to get your face on their face. But that face-to-beard contact that comes with kissing a bearded guy has that rugged manly feel that definitely gets the juices flowing.
7. Scott: How about when he goes down on you?
Danielle: For me, it's like a stimulation overload in a good way if he knows how to do it right. It's like sitting on a bear-skin rug without pants on. You know, if that rug also had a tongue. (Add something extra to your sex life with the JimmyJane Form 8 vibe from the Women's Health Boutique.)
8. Danielle: What do you do with that beard after you've gone down on a woman?
Scott: I don’t wash it in any specific way, and I don’t do it right after, per sé, because those, um, fluids don’t bother me. I’ll give it a rinse when I go for my post-coital pee and condom disposal, though.
9. Scott: Are beards really deal-breakers for some women? Why?
Danielle: Single women, myself included, like to put parameters on what they think their ideal guy would look like. It could be an aesthetic preference or just that they haven't taken the bear-skin tongue rug out for a spin yet. Historically, I've gone for guys without beards. But if I was vibing with a guy who had one, I wouldn't cut him out of the running just because he had hair on his face. I think a majority of women who claim a beard to be a deal-breaker would follow suit.
10. Danielle: If you were dating a woman you really liked and she wasn't into your beard, which one would have to go?
Scott: Well, it seems extremely narcissistic to say I’m so attached to a bunch of multi-colored hairs growing all over my face that I would cling to that look instead of embracing an opportunity to fall in love. I’m the kind of person who (to a fault) wants to do whatever he can to please a girlfriend. But there is a fine line between that and acquiescing to whatever they want me to do, including changing things about myself. I’m a big believer that if you’re with the right person, they won’t try to change you. (I learned this the hard way during college when my then-girlfriend gifted me a Diesel watch and an Ed Hardy T-shirt, which are really not my style.)
11. Danielle: Does having a beard get you laid more often?
Scott: Well, it hasn’t yet because I’ve only had it a couple months. But I think that it has potential, especially since I live in Brooklyn where for some reason (and I realize this is a generalization) the female population seems to enjoy a good beard. I actually grew a beard in hopes I would get laid more often after some female friends suggested it might be a good look for me. But pretty much everything I do and every decision I make is at least partially motivated by a desire to have sex more often.
12. Danielle: How long should a girl wait when she's dating a bearded dude for it to be acceptable to start touching it?
Scott: I wouldn’t recommend drunkenly stroking the beard of a guy you have just met because some dudes don’t like that. But if you’re comfortable around each other and are dating, feel free to touch away. Just don’t yank on it like my Grandma.
13. Danielle: What's the best thing a woman has said about your beard after experiencing it up close and personal? The most hilarious? The worst?
Scott: Best: There was a woman I was in like with and she just straight-up told me she liked my beard. It was nice, and I immediately knew I wouldn’t have to do that whole “beard or her” thing we discussed earlier. She broke up with me for other reasons, though.
When my Grandma saw it for the first time she said, “Oh, so you can’t afford razors up there in Brooklyn?”
The worst comment came unsolicited from a random drunk girl at a party I was at recently. She said, “You might actually be decent-looking without that beard. I don’t know.” Still kicking myself that I didn’t come back with anything scathing, but I was kind of taken by surprise by that one.