A Sex Towel Is Essential
If Beyoncé has one, then you need one too.
Sex, when done well, is often a messy disaster. This is a fact. Which is why it’s incredible to me that so many people don’t yet own a sex towel. If you have no idea why someone would want such a towel, I worry for the sex you’re having and the people you’re having sex with, sorry.
If you don’t already own a towel for this explicit purpose, it’s not (totally) your fault. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the crucially-important sex towel visually represented in the media. Think about it, can you recall a TV or movie scene in which after a steamy bang sesh, the couple spent a few minutes awkwardly cleaning up? Everyone usually just lies back down on bed, breathing heavily in that particular We-Just-Had-Some-Sex way, and no one cleans up anything. To which I have so many questions: Did no one come? Or is your comforter now just blasted with jizz? Did you just dry hump?
Is that why her bra is still on?
Only one woman has been brave enough to tell the truth: Beyonce Giselle Knowles Carter, who in the song “Partition,” brought us the glorious line, “Oh there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel.” Real human adults are messy when they have sex. Lean into that; it will make for better sex. Jay-Z is using a towel! You aren’t better than the Carters!
Don’t worry, this is not a specific type of microfiber, high-tech, Silicon Valley towel that needs to cost $87.99 + shipping and handling. (Although, there is this on Amazon, which is embarrassing as hell because it’s so wasteful. Do not buy this.) It’s also not a sex blanket, which can be useful, but not necessary, unless you know you’re going to be having a real messy bone sesh. A sex towel is literally what it sounds like: a towel, but for sex. This means that your raggedy t-shirt, a roll of paper towels, a tissue, an old sock, a pillow case, or any other weird teenage boy holdover that you may think is acceptable, is not. If you want to use those to clean yourself up after a solo jerk sesh, fine, but with two- (or more!) person sex, it’s gotta be a proper, designated towel.
Notice how I italicized “designated”? That means the only job of this towel is cum removal. This is expressly not a beach towel, shower towel, bath mat, hand towel, or—god forbid—a dish towel. This is a towel you went to Target and purchased with the sole, unmistakable purpose of its future occupation as a sex towel. As all moms who raised boys know, towels are never the same after fluid clean up no matter how many times you wash them. Any soft material is forever changed after being used to 86 jizz.
Here’s how to be a grown ass sexy man who is responsible enough (which is hot) to own a sex clean up towel.
What to look for in a sex towel
When buying said towel, look for a normal bath towel, or if you’re very fancy, a beach towel (often fluffier and even bigger than a bath towel). Normally, you might not need that much towel to clean up post-sex—if you’re a fan of the designated sex washcloth, that’s fine! Buy a whole dang pack!—but the time may come (period sex, a lube spill, etc) when you’ll be happy to have a bigger boat. Buy it in a color that is very obviously different than the other towels you already have. You do not want to mix this towel up with your normal shower towel. Avoid white or black, which show all kinds of things that no one needs to see. Maroon or blue are both good choices here. Patterns are even more preferable. No one needs to know what happens on the towel. That’s between the washing machine and god.
Wash it early and often
Now, when you get home from the store, immediately wash your new sex towel before you use it. Towels often shed little bits everywhere, and finding tiny towel fuzz in your vag is not a hot post-sex vibe.
Speaking of washing the towel, do this every single time that you use it. Every time. If you’re having so much sex that you can’t possibly imagine doing a load of laundry between every load you blow, then buy more than one sex towel. Under no circumstances are you to reuse the sex towel before it's been washed. Yes, even if you’re just sleeping with one partner. Treat your long-term partner as well as you would a one night stand! Don’t get lazy just because you’ve seen their hoo-ha before. Sex with you should be like staying in a three to five star hotel, not making do at a seedy motel. Fresh towels are always provided.
Keep it handy
You know what they say: A sex towel in the bedroom is worth two in the linen closet. Okay, I made that up, but if you don’t have the towel handy, you completely undo any of the goodwill you may have earned from owning said sex towel. So keep the towel somewhere in your room; this is especially important if you live with other people or have houseguests ever who may happen upon a clean sex towel and use it!
Additionally, if you’re sleeping with anyone with a vagina, they probably have to get up and slink to the bathroom quickly to avoid UTIs, and it’s nice to have the towel ready to go near the bed before then. Be sure to offer it to your partner first (nothing worse than handing off a towel that’s already blotchy with your jizz spots) before helping yourself. And don’t worry—it’s not weird or presumptive to have a towel ready to go. It’s thoughtful and prepared, like having lube or a condom or anything else that suggests that you’re an adult who knows how sex works.
Just make sure it’s clean.