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Confession: "I Had Rough Sex Online"

I once fell in love with a man. Or rather, I fell in love with what that man did to me. During the two years of our on-again, off-again affair, he introduced me to a kind of sex I'd never known I wanted—rough, emotionally and physically risky, and dependent on power and the taking away of that power. Sadomasochism, essentially. When our relationship ended, I felt ashamed of the domination I still coveted. Worse, I didn't know what frightened me more: the dangerous desires I now knew I possessed or the fact that they were now doomed to remain unfulfilled.

So I turned to the Internet. For months, I scoured sites like for information, stimulation and a strange kind of comfort. It was a safe way to explore my complicated roil of emotions without exposing myself to more of the manipulation and hurt that had characterized my affair. And I found a measure of peace in being able to acknowledge, if only to myself, that a commanding voice and the opportunity to submit had a certain effect on me. It was reassuring to realize that there were others out there who clearly felt similarly.

Nowadays, I look at porn only occasionally, and I'm no longer obsessed with submission; I know that it's merely one aspect of my sexuality. But I'm glad for the time I spent online. Internet porn allowed me to indulge my sexual proclivities safely, so I could get on with the rest of my life. I don't feel ashamed about that. I feel grateful.

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