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College Sex Survival Guide

As someone who just recently put college in her rearview mirror (okay, it was two years ago, but still…) this time of year still hits me with a wave of nostalgia.

In grade school, September brought with it the memories of pencil boxes, crisp white notebook paper and the mandatory Lisa Frank trapper-keeper (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about). Now, I can’t breathe in the crisp autumn air without picturing Orientation Week keg parties, late night dorm room hangouts and the sea of strangers that I would soon call my lovers and friends.

College was one of the best times of my life, for so many reasons. But despite the newfound freedom and unlimited makeout opportunities that higher education provided, there’s one facet of college that left a lot of room for improvement: The quality of hookups. While I would give my University experience an A+ for adventures and friendships, I would probably give it a C for the sex… And I believe that I did better than most!

That’s not to say that your college years are devoid of potential for sexual greatness. It’s actually quite the opposite! Much like your aptitude for Poly Sci or your ability to make it to a Friday morning class, great sex is a skill that can be cultivated in college. With the right supplies, the right moves and some helpful hints from someone who has been there herself, you can make these years the best (hook up) years of your life!

Get out your notebooks (or MacBooks), class! Here are 5 Back-to-School sex tips to help you navigate the halls of college hook ups…

1. Master the Makeout

With so many coeds in the vicinity and so many options, you only get one chance to make a first impression, as do your make out skills! Kissing is one of the first tests of a new hook up. It tells the kissers everything they need to know about their liplock buddy, and can often be the deciding factor of how things will progress. Will you get a goodbye handshake in the dorm lobby or will you be sneaking back to your respective rooms the next morning? It all depends on your lips, and what you do with them.

Remember that when it comes to kissing, especially with someone new, less is ALWAYS more. No matter how hot and heavy you’d like to get, no one wants to go in for the kiss only to get facially assaulted. Start off soft and sweet, using mostly lips. Then if things start to pick up, go ahead and bring your tongue into the mix. Do what feels natural to you, but also pay attention to what your partner is doing. Try and match their style and tempo for the perfectly executed kiss! Master the makeout and you can pretty much guarantee a returning customer, or at the very least, some good word-of-mouth.

2. Create a Roommate Sex Contract

Back in the day, there would be some kind of signal to warn bunkmates that your shared room was currently Occupado – A sock on the door, a takeout menu, or the good old fashioned dead bolt. Now we are blessed with the gift of text messaging, meaning you can give your roomie the heads up long before the hookup occurs, providing them with plenty of time to make some other arrangements. Better yet, create some kind of a system together early on and lay down ground rules. No lockouts on the weekdays, no sleepovers during finals, and absolutely no screamers!

Just remember that no matter who is occupying your bed for the night, chances are your roommate will be in the picture longer, so it’s important to respect them and their personal space. Hookups will come and go, but a pissed off roommate can make your life hell for an entire year.

3. Turn Up the Sex Pre-Game

While in college, there are several non-curricular lessons that every young adult must learn: The exact number of minutes it takes to get from dorm room to classroom before attendance gets taken. How to pump a keg. How to make a wide range of meals using only a microwave and a mug. And of course, the importance of the pregame. In college, no one shows up to the party right when it starts, and no one shows up anywhere without a little partying already under their belt. Now take this important lesson and apply it to your hookup routine and voila! You have discovered the magic of foreplay.

In the real world, foreplay is not an extra credit activity – it’s a requirement. In college, foreplay is what sets you apart from all the other awkward one night stands. Through kissing, manual and oral stimulation, teasing and whatever else you might cook up, foreplay makes sex more pleasurable, and increases women’s chances at having an orgasm. This is a skill you will NEED to develop, so you might as well start honing your mind-blowing foreplay powers now.  

4. Opt for Buzzed Sex vs. Drunk Sex

It seems like it’s almost a rite of passage in college to have at least one drunken hookup. But when you wake up feeling like death in someone else’s twin bed, missing your room key and your shoes, you may find yourself questioning this so-called tradition. If a tree has blacked out sex in the forest with it’s lab partner and nobody remembers, was it any good at all?

Yes, drunk sex is one of those things that sounds fun in theory, but is actually a sloppy, messy disaster. Sure those last few shots seemed like a good idea, and now you’re uber confident and super loose, but those Jaeger bombs are gonna hit you where it hurts: Right in the genitals. Whiskey dick is real, ladies and gents! And even if the equipment is working, there’s no guarantee that you will be able to hit the right spots, keep the rhythm or ward off the spins when you switch from doggie-style to cowgirl position. On top of all that, how likely are you to remember a condom when you can barely remember your room number? Exactly.

If there is even the slightest chance of nookie in your future, do the smart thing and cut yourself off. Buzzed sex has all the benefits of drunk sex, without the possibility of throwing up in your partner’s roommate’s closet. Or better yet, skip both in favor of some awesome morning-after hangover sex, followed by a big brunch at the cafeteria.

5. BYOC (Bring Your Own Condoms)

One of the best things about college is that you never know when you’ll stumble upon your next great hookup! But with this awesome power comes great responsibility.. If your next great sex session could happen at any moment, it is up to you to always always always be prepared. There is nothing worse than finally getting some alone time with your semester-long crush, and then having to stop the action to comb your dormitory floor for a condom. Even though sex is pretty much a college staple, like all-night study sessions and drinking games, many students do not keep condoms on hand. This is why you should carry some of your own.. And they should definitely be high-quality.

I know, I know – College is the land of free condoms. Stop by any Student Health Center and you’ll see bowls of cheap multi-colored rubbers set out like hard candy. But just like $6 vodka and bagged wine, it’s time to stop cutting corners and spend a little extra on the things that matter. SKYN condoms are my personal favorite – They’re made of super thin Polyisoprene (perfect to have on hand in case your partner has a latex allergy) and are the closest feeling to wearing nothing at all, while still being strong enough to withstand even the wildest sex sessions! Remember kids: Safe sex is great sex, especially with non-latex. Your partners will thank you for your sexual foresight!

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