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7 Sex Positions Every Montanan Should Know

Sex is a natural part of life. A weird, kind of gross, smelly, natural part of life. Everybody has their favorite position, but we, as Montanans need to bond together and show the rest of the world that our sex packs a wallop. There are several sexual orientations present in the illustrations, but open-minded couples of any orientation can adjust as they see fit. Through hours of hands-on research, I determined the ten sex positions every Montanan should know.

1. Wildfire
This position as depicted above, is applicable to two men, a man and a woman, or two very creative women. First, you must locate a wildfire. Then, your partner removes his unit from his unit-holder and you jimmy it around like hose, putting out the fire.

2. Crop Duster
Infamous among farmers and ranchers, there’s a secret page hidden inside the spine of a 1945 Farmer’s Almanac that describes this position in great detail. “If the farmer/rancher flaps his wings hard enough, he should be able to fly above his partner’s face. Crop dust intensity is graded on a 1-Monsanto scale. Only the most skilled crop dusters dare go Full Monsanto.”

3. Pitchforking
A favorite among the lesbian tribes of Northcentral Montana, pitchforking is a traditional adaptation of scissoring. Scissor away, ladies, while you hold pitchforks and pitch hay!

4. Lumberjack
A primitive and secluded species, the lumberjacks only emerge once a year to share their sex secrets. This particular position involves ingesting oak seeds in order to grow a marvelous tree penis. After it has grown full and lush, you can go to any bar and delight folks with delicious puns such as “I’m a lumberjack, I work with my wood,” and “I’d like you to bark up my tree.”

5. Peaking
To peak, place the anus on the very top of a mountain. The mountain must be quite pointy, no plateaus allowed.

6. Class C Prom
Not pictured in the illustration are one thousand six packs of Natural Ice, condoms used as balloons, shop teachers pretending to be chaperones, douche seniors pretending to be DJ’s, high school gyms dressed up to look like the cheapest Las Vegas casinos, birth control pills being forgotten, and overwhelming urges to burn out in high school.

7. Buffalo Jump
Required items: a penis and a cliff. A running start is also recommended.

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Aiko Tanaka

Aiko Tanaka

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