7 Couples Therapists Share How They Know A Relationship Is Doomed
Break-ups are rarely abrupt. They don't come out of nowhere.
There are often telltale red flags that the end is near. To help you stay aware of those warning signs, we asked seven top sex and relationship therapists how they know a relationship is on its way out.
You "Never Fight"
“Where there is no fighting, there is usually no passion—or a good sex life. These are couples that don't have direct communication and are often resentful under the surface.” — Dr Brandy Engler, psychotherapist and author of The Women on My Couch and The Men on My Couch
Your Sex Drives Don't Match
“I would say, as a licensed marriage therapist and sex therapist, that couples are severely challenged when there's a libido gap that cannot be bridged. When one partner feels persistently rejected and the other partner feels persistently pressured, it's a recipe for failure. I've seen many relationships fail due to desire discrepancy.” —Dr Ian Kerner, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of She Comes First
The Sex You Do Have Isn't Good
“If you're repeatedly having bad sex that's a bad sign. Sexual feelings are very honest, and sexuality and self-regard are closely joined together. It's hard to be truly happy if you're just going through the motions in bed.” —Dr Stephen Snyder, a certified sex and relationship therapist and author of Love Worth Making
Your Friends and Family Think It's Over
“If your friends and family are all telling you that it’s an unhealthy relationship and you need to get out, that’s a big sign. This is not just one person being judgmental, but the whole Greek chorus reflecting on the things you’ve told them or the things they’ve seen. You have to listen to the people who love you.” —Rachel Sussman, licensed clinical social worker and relationship expert
You Try To Have The "Perfect" Relationship
“I'm automatically suspicious of couples who seem like they really want you to see how perfect their relationship is—they're trying too hard. It's actually when it seems like they both believe it's so perfect that I'm most convinced it's doomed. Those relationships aren't built to bend, so you just know they're going to break.” —Matt Lundquist, licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist
You Sweat The Small Stuff
“When couples seem to be arguing over the most insignificant things, they are probably looking for that proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. Did the relationship really end because of how he squeezes the tube of toothpaste? Is there really a right way to hang the roll of toilet paper? At this point, there is often a lot of passive-aggressive behaviour creeping in like subtle little jabs to push him or her away. At this point, there is so much resentment built up that it's tough to come back.” —Lawrence Siegel, clinical sexologist and founder of the Sage Institute for Family Development
You've Stopped Fighting
“I know a relationship is close to its end when apathy evidenced by blank stares and watch-checking permeates the room. One would think fighting is a telltale sign of the end, but for me, arguing is a great sign. It shows they are still invested emotionally enough to care. They may be feeling like they never want to see the other's face again in that heated moment, but they are still connecting (albeit through anger). When there is an absence of feeling driving any sort of connection, it's the beginning of the end.” —Rebecca Hendrix, licensed marriage and family therapist